


I Never Knew Daylight Could Be So Violent

by badpatient



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-28
Updated: 2011-10-28
Packaged: 2017-10-25 00:56:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/269915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badpatient/pseuds/badpatient
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He wants nothing more than to be alone with Arthur, to embrace him and let him be honest about what he feels for once; he wants to tell him about his magic and the many times he has used it to save people’s lives and protect the kingdom, and he wants to convince him that there is nothing inherently evil or wrong about his gift. He wants to get rid of all secrets between the two of them. He wants to tell him everything, and has to make an effort not to do it right here and now.</p><p>But he can never reveal his secret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Never Knew Daylight Could Be So Violent

**Author's Note:**

  * For [chronikle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chronikle/gifts).



> Written for a prompt by my friend Kat: Arthur/Merlin based on "No Light, No Light" by Florence + the Machine. Anything romantic is only really hinted at since I tried to work with the canon, but it's there. The story begins after the penultimate scene of "The Wicked Day" and takes place before the events of "Aithusa".

1.

Harsh daylight hits Merlin’s eyes as he walks into the courtyard. The sun is still low on the sky and illuminates Camelot ruthlessly, creating long, dark shadows and bringing out every crack in the castle’s stone walls. Merlin’s eyes are bloodshot after the sleepless night he spent waiting for Arthur, who stayed in the hall where his father’s body was. When he came out shortly after day broke, Merlin couldn’t tell whether his eyes were red from tiredness or crying.

Blinded by the light, Merlin takes a few uncertain steps as his eyes adjust to the brightness. Momentarily he considers holding on to Arthur’s arm to steady himself, but there’s a distance between the two of them, and even though they walk only a little farther apart than usual, it feels like miles. Finally opening his eyes, he sees that Arthur is actually ahead of him, unfazed by the brightness after having seen the dawn through the hall’s tall windows. Merlin is unsure whether to catch up to him and walk by his side as his friend, or stay a few paces behind like a servant should.

2.

Arthur has been crowned, he’s given his speech to the people of Camelot, he’s taken care of his first official business as king. Merlin has spent the entire time by his side. No, not by his side: by the doors, in the shadows, himself like a living shadow, not meant to be noticed unless he is required.

He wants nothing more than to be alone with Arthur, to embrace him and let him be honest about what he feels for once; he wants to tell him about his magic and the many times he has used it to save people’s lives and protect the kingdom, and he wants to convince him that there is nothing inherently evil or wrong about his gift. He wants to get rid of all secrets between the two of them. He wants to tell him everything, and has to make an effort not to do it right here and now.

But he can never reveal his secret. What would Arthur do if he found out? He has seen his father die because of magic. He has seen _Merlin_ kill his father, even if he doesn’t realise it. His heart is already broken; learning about Merlin’s secret would be a horrible blow to him.

Merlin stays in the shadows, motionless and invisible.

3.

A few servants are cleaning the courtyard, scraping off the wax that has dripped from the candles lit when Uther was dying. Many disagreed with Uther, some hated him, but he provided safety and stability to Camelot. He was a good king, Merlin thinks. He was a good king and Merlin killed him.

Uther’s death left a mark on the kingdom and its people that will not go away easily. Merlin sees it in the face of every passer-by, every servant, and especially Arthur. The new king performs all his duties rigorously, issuing commands, training with his knights and accepting official condolences, but there is a pain in his eyes that he cannot hide no matter how composed his demeanour may be. He never speaks of it, but it manifests itself in the uncomfortable way he sits on the throne and in the moment of hesitation before he signs official documents.

Even the sunlight is different than before Uther’s death: there is less colour and warmth to it, and it emphasises the flaws in every surface, just like that morning in the courtyard. It hurts Merlin’s eyes and makes him feel like he’s being observed, maybe judged. The sun knows his secret, as do these cold stone walls. He wishes they could tell Arthur so that he wouldn’t have to; then he berates himself for such ridiculous thoughts. There is much to be done and he doesn’t have time for idle fantasies. After all, he is the king’s personal servant.

4.

Merlin is used to waking up before dawn, but he has always hated the moments before sunrise that seem to drag on endlessly. Now he has learnt to treasure them.

5.

What is it that connects them, anyway? Fate? Merlin isn’t sure. The dragon insists that the king and his servant are bound by fate, but Merlin has always had his doubts. What definitely is there is friendship; more than that: devotion. They would give their lives for each other without a moment’s hesitation. Between their endless quips and arguments there are moments of honest affection that show the real strength of their bond. And there is also something more, something Merlin can’t quite name, or perhaps doesn’t want to.

Would this bond break if Merlin told Arthur about his magic? What if he told him about his masquerade as Dragoon? Arthur would surely believe that Merlin never intended to hurt his father – but that may not be enough. Merlin is a sorcerer, and thus an enemy of Camelot. Arthur has seen many ways in which magic can hurt people, he has lost his father to it, and he is not going to forgive any magic user, even his closest friend. Merlin fears his crime is greater than any friendship.

But what if that is not the case? What if Arthur’s trust in Merlin is stronger than his fear of magic? Merlin knows only one way to find out, but he cannot take the risk, not only for his own sake but also Gaius’s and Hunith’s. Something inside him burns every time he is close to confessing and says nothing, but saying nothing is still the safer choice.

6.

King Arthur’s chambers are lit only by a single candle and the shadows are thick around the corners, blurring the edges of the furniture and making every rustle seem louder than thunder. Merlin has readied Arthur’s bed for the night and taken out his sleeping clothes. Sitting at the table, Arthur is penning yet another official document: he hasn’t given himself a break in days. Merlin opens the doors, ready to leave, when he’s struck by a sudden desire to walk over to Arthur, look into his eyes for the first time since the coronation, touch his skin and tell him everything. He needs it; he needs to see the look in his eyes and feel the warmth of his skin, he needs to confess, he needs to know that their bond is stronger than any prejudices or fears, that the dragon was right and there is nothing in the world that can separate Merlin from his king.

“Good night,” he says and leaves the room.

Not tonight. Not tonight.


End file.
